Azumanga Politburo
by Slightly Askew
Summary: The ladies of Azumanga Daioh mock the old Soviet Union and Communism in this fanfic. Expect OOC behavior, many laughs, much stupidity and a lot of weirdness. Please review and enjoy! CHAPTER ELEVEN IS NOW UP!
1. Planning the Meeting

**FIRST NOTICE: I OWN NONE OF THE CHARACTERS OF AZUMANGA DAIOH. THEY BELONG TO AZUMA KIYOHIKO. ANY ORIGINAL CHARACTERS ARE MINE ALONE. **

**SECOND NOTICE: POSSIBLE OUT-OF-CHARACTER ACTIONS OR SPEECH IN THIS FANFIC. FOR AZUMANGA DAIOH "PURISTS", DISCRETION IS ADVISED.**

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AN ALTERNATE ANIME UNIVERSE…….

On a cold December morning, Comrade Sakaki walked the cobblestone streets leading up to Scarlet Circle as she normally did. Bundled up in her trademark burgundy longcoat, beret, scarf and earmuffs, the Commissar for All Things Cute and Cuddly walked alone and unguarded. In her coat pocket, also bundled up in his own scarf, her pet cat Maya stuck his head out, snuggled next to her heart.

"Only a little further, Maya," she said calmly. She stroked his furry head with a gloved hand. He purred in reply, letting her scratch behind his ears. Her other hand carried a locked valise full of important papers.

The Government Complex Building, which dominated the Circle, was as drab as the rest of the city, colored in dull cement grey or brick red. The overcast sky, threatening to snow, added to the drabness. Even the flags on their poles hung limp and lifeless. The menacing quarter of the armed guards near the entrance made it the more threatening.

Spying the approaching young woman, the four men gave a sharp salute. "Good morning, Comrade Commissar," they shouted in unison.

"Good morning," she softly replied, bowing her head slightly. The two nearest the doors opened them for her, as she bowed a thank-you to them. They smiled as she entered the building, while the clouds above them opened here and there, exposing patches of blue sky.

Down the long hallway she walked, her face serious yet serene. As a member of the Politburo, she took her job seriously, although her post had a silly name and even sillier duties. Nonetheless, Sakaki bore the office's responsibility with efficiency and quiet grace. She was also one of the most trusted and respected Commissars in the government, as well as a bulwark of the "Sensible Faction" within it.

The "Sensibles" believed in common-sense and logic, acting as normal as an anime character could. They did their best to govern the country as possible with faith, courage and justice. In their hearts, they despised all forms of Socialism, but worked quietly to wean the nation away from that foul ideology.

Their opponents in the "Silly Faction" believed that anime and common-sense didn't mix. They talked stupid, acted stupid, and pushed policies that reflected their own personal chaos. If they promoted their brand of Socialism, all the better. But in the end, it didn't concern them one way or the other. The silliness was all that mattered. To them and to their leader, Commissar Yukari, there wasn't enough silliness in the world.

Sakaki walked down to the end of the corridor, which ended in a circular hall with doors all around and manned desks in front of each door. Unlike the rest of the Politburo, she had no personal secretary or staff, preferring to do much of her work alone. Being the fastest with a typewriter didn't hurt either.

The secretaries, all in military uniform, stood as one and shouted "Good morning, comrade commissar." She nodded her reply, as she unlocked the door to her well-furnished office.

She walked to her desk, took Maya out of her pocket as she removed his scarf. She smooched him three times on his nose, then squatted to place him on the carpeted floor. He leapt from her hands to wander around the room, letting curiosity take him where it wished. Draping her coat and scarf on her chair, her beret and earmuffs on her desk, she sat down in her leather chair to plum through the daily reports and briefings.

Two hours later, deep in her notes and reports, she heard a loud shout outside her door. "All Hail the Chairperson! Long Live the Chairperson!" the secretaries cried in unison.

"Good morning everyone," came the cheery reply from a bright young voice, followed by a knock on her door. "Miss Sakaki, are you there?"

"One moment, please," she said, allowing a smile on her face. She enjoyed these moments with her friend and leader of the country, the child prodigy Chiyo Mihama. Zipping to the door, she opened it and saluted.

Chiyo, dressed in beige from head to foot, returned her salute. "Good morning, Miss Sakaki. Are you busy?"

"I always have time for the Chairperson of our great fatherland," she said, stepping aside to let the wunderkind pass. Chiyo walked to the desk, stopping to pet Maya on the way.

She opened her briefcase, placed a folder on Sakaki's desk. "Miss Sakaki, I'm sure you know today is our weekly Politburo meeting."

"Yes, I do."

"In this folder," she said, pointing to it. "In this folder are some policy changes I'd like to implement this year. I've gone over them several times, and they look good enough to please everybody."

"Everyone?" asked Sakaki. "Even Yukari?"

Chiyo sighed and bowed her head, letting her trademark pigtails go limp. "Gee I hope so. Miss Yukari can be so…so…demanding."

Sakaki nodded, squat down to Chiyo's height, giving her a hug. Chiyo gave one in reply, the smile returning to her face.

"You know I'll be there for you, Chiyo-chan," she murmured.

"I'm so relieved. Having you there makes things feel so much easier." She giggled. "The meeting's at noon, as usual. It'll be a working lunch, so they'll be the usual buffet in my office, all right."

"Yes, thank you."

"Okay. Let's go over these notes, so we'll be ready for anything."


	2. The First Commissars Arrive

Two hours later, the Central Conference Room was filled with frantic activity. Waitstaff brought in trays and hot plates full of food, both Japanese and Western. Secretaries placed folders at each seat around the table, name cards following the folders. Housekeeping staff cleaned the chairs, dusted the furniture and walls. 

Two of the security guards straightened the bright yellow national flag on the wall behind the Chairperson's seat. It had a crossed question mark and exclamation point in the center, and an ampersand above both, all in bright red.

The housekeepers worked their way around the sleeping Yukari Tanizaki, Commissar of Foreign Affairs. Her head and arms were on the table, her face passive in deep slumber. From bitter experience, the staff knew better than to disturb her when snoozing. The head of the Politburo's Silly Faction was a volcano of wrath when jolted awake.

A few minutes later, Koyomi "Yomi" Mizuhara arrived with her armed bodyguard escort. The Commissar of Intelligence and Security had a briefcase chained to her wrist, holstered pistol on her hip. She took no chances when carrying top secret information to the weekly meetings. Dressed in a green ensemble with bright red leather belt and boots, she drew appreciating looks from the male waiters. Grinning, she tossed her long hair back.

A sharp "Oops!" caught her ear outside the main doors, followed by a stumbling sound. She snapped her head around, as did her escorts.

"Are you all right, madame?" said one of the guards.

"Yes, yes, I'm okay," replied Kaorin, Commissar of Sciences. "Just tripped over the rug, that's all." She entered the room, her blue business suit scuffed up at the knees. "I'll never get used to high heels," she murmured, brushing her skirt.

"You should wear boots, like I do," said Yomi, patting one of her long legs. "Besides it's wintertime. You'll freeze your feet."

"I can't find any my size," she said, slumping her shoulders. "You know why."

"Used up your yearly shoe ration, huh?"

"Face it, Yomi. No woman can resist a good pair of Pradas on sale. Even me." She whined to herself as she trudged toward her chair. Yomi shook her head in pity, took her place at the table.

A minute later Marshall Kagura entered along with her escorts. The Commissar of the Armed Forces wiped the sweat from her brow after her usual daily exercise routine. Her military uniform looked slept in, as if she forgot to iron her jacket and skirt.

"Morning, Kagura," said Yomi, unlocking her handcuffs. "What's with the wrinkled outfit?"

"My steam-iron broke down again," she grumbled. "Left a bad burn mark on one of my shirt collars. Not to mention I was three seconds slower than normal on my daily three kilometer run - AGAIN!" The last word she barked, banging the table for emphasis.

Yukari snorted a snore, followed by a grumble.

The room went dead silent. No one moved a muscle.

Half a minute later, Yukari returned to her low murmuring of a snooze.

The room released their breath, as the waitstaff finished their tasks.

"Sorry," Kagura whispered, grimacing. "Almost blew it there." Kaorin dug out a handkerchief, dabbed her forehead with it.

"Still trying to be last year's record time?"

"I know I can do it, Yomi, I know I can." She looked down at Yomi's boots, pointed a finger. "Thigh-highs again?"

"Commissarship does have its privileges," she said smirking. "Just breaking them in today. Come the wedding night, when my Pyotr sees them with the rest of the ensemble, he'll have the shock of his life." She chuckled at this.

"Oh yeah," Kagura said, taking off her coat. "When is the wedding date again?"

"Mid June. I'll send the RSVPs after New Year's."

"Excellent." She bent down to Yomi's ear. "Just don't let Tomo find out about it. She'll never let you hear the end of it if she does."

"Knowing this place, she already found out." She jabbed a thumb in Yukari's direction. "If you get my drift." Kagura nodded. "But if she goes too far, I'll have to reintroduce her to my left uppercut. They're on - ahem - quite familiar terms with each other." She raised an eyebrow. "Again, if you get my drift."

The Marshall smiled, glanced at Kaorin's seat. She spied her shivering scalp peeking above the table. "You can stop hiding, Kaorin. She wasn't referring to you."

"Are-are you s-s-sure?" she stuttered. "I don't want to be s-s-sent to the g-g-gulag for m-m-making fun of her boots."

"Jailed over a pair of boots?" She shook her head. "We're not THAT bad. Contrary to popular belief, your name isn't Tomo Takino. You're the opposite of her, you know."

Kaorin popped up her head. "S-s-sorry about that. I j-j-just don't like getting into office politics and stuff. It's just so - so - dangerous."

"Get yourself some herbal tea," said Yomi, unlocking her valise. "Peppermint to calm you down."


	3. The Other Commissars Arrive

Five minutes later, Education Commissar Ayumu "Osaka" Kasuga arrived, cradling a huge fat rabbit in her arms. She hummed a tune into it's long ears, as she warmed it in her embrace. "Mornin', y'all," she said, gliding into the room. "Say hello to Toyo-kun." 

Her secretary, Major Tatiana Kozlov, walked behind her, valise in one hand, portable rabbit pen in the other. Her face was weary with care, aged before it's time. "Good morning, comrades," Kozlov added brusquely.

"Morning, Major," said Kagura. "Rough morning?" she asked in a lower voice.

"Marshall, with respect to the commissar, _every_ morning with her is a rough morning." She turned to the male waiters. "The usual for the commissar's pet - and mind the rutabaga this time."

Yomi eyes grew wide, startled at the size of the rabbit. "That has to be the biggest bunny I've ever seen, Osaka."

"Yup, he's a big'un," she said. "He's from a breed called _'German Giant'_. Some of 'em can get as big as ten kilograms."

"Astonishing," Kaorin gasped.

"And I have to chase him whenever he gets out of his pen," grumbled Kozlov. "Which is once a day at least." She put down the pen, unlocked her valise. Osaka smooched Toyo-kun on his fuzzy head, cradled him as if it was a baby.

Next came Minamo Kurosawa, Commissar of Health, dressed in a grey business pantsuit. She was eating a fresh peach, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "Morning everyone," she said. The others gave their greetings. "And Yomi? Congratulations by the way. You must be very happy."

"Thanks, Nyamo," she said, calling her by her nickname. "I'd like you to be one of the bridesmaids, if you don't mind."

"Mind? I'd love to be, thank you."

"Okay, we'll talk further after the meeting." Nodding, Nyamo took her place opposite Yukari, still snoring away.

_"I hope you don't act like an idiot this time,"_ she thought, looking at her high school rival. _"But then again..."_

Next came Chihiro, who handled the Treasury, and Ohyama, who took care of Commerce. They entered the room holding hands, bowed their greetings to the rest of the Politburo. Nyamo waved her hello, pointed at Yukari. Nodding, they squeezed each other's hands before walking to their seats.

Kagura smirked. "So the rumors were true after all, huh?" Ohyama gave her a thumbs-up, while Chihiro just smiled.

Then came Rachel Handelbarz, appointed as Commissar of Everything Else. The young lady with the braided pigtails handled all other government operations not covered by the other departments. She walked to Kaorin's side, whispered in her ear.

Nodding, Kaorin cleared her throat. "Ah, everyone? I've been told the Commissar of Justice will be here in about a minute, so I think we better..."

"Say no more, Kaorin," said Yomi. She lifted a hand, snapped her fingers.

The waitstaff pushed their carts to either side of the Conference Room. The guards and escorts removed the papers and name-cards from the table, as the commissars pushed their chairs away from it. Two guards gently lifted the snoring Yukari's arms off the table, then pushed both her and the chair to a safer spot.

"Good," murmured Yomi. "We're ready..."


	4. Commissar Tomo's Arrival

"Betcha you can't do this!" a voice yelled from down the hall. 

All heads except Yukari's turned to see a lone figure running toward them. Dressed in her black police uniform and sneakers, the figure let out a loud yell before she reached the conference room's double doors. She did several somersaults before spinning forward into the air above them.

Tomo Takino, Commissar of Justice, landed face first into the conference table with a loud "Oooof!". She slid to the end of it before back flipping onto her feet. "Now," she yelled, hands raised. "Shower me with your love and admiration!" Sweat drops appeared on Chihiro's brow.

Yomi folded her arms. "Shut up, idiot. Yukari's still asleep." She snapped her fingers again. "We want to live to see tomorrow morning, you know." The waitstaff began replacing all that was on the table. "And acting like you're in gymnastics class isn't going to do it."

"Ha! The words of a jealous wannabe," Tomo shot back. "You only dream you can do the things I do."

"Would you get off the table, you moron?"

Tomo struck a dramatic pose, finger pointing at the ceiling. "We of the Silly Faction defy you!"

Yomi grinned a sly, devious grin. "Fine. I'll just tell Yukari later about your little stunt - and how you almost woke her up because of it."

Tomo facevaulted. "Ah..."she went on, pausing for a small gulp. "Then again...we...are...open to...compromise."

"Good. Now sit down." Tomo scurried off the table, grabbed her chair. "Is your Tomo-kun okay, Osaka?"

"Yeah, he's okay. And he's fuzzy too." She snuggled up to him again, dreamy satisfaction in her half-open eyes.

Tomo pushed her chair to the table, glanced at Yomi's green skirt and red boots. She chuckled, folded her arms. "So it's true then, huh?"

"What's true?"

"That your wearing those rumored - ahem - 'naughty footwear' after all, aren't you?"

"I'm just breaking them in today, that's all. They'll be put to good use in the future."

"I thought you gave up cosplaying years ago."

"Not that type of playing, commissar," Rachel said, exasperated at Takino's idiocy. "It's for another type of...well, role-playing with her future husband." She blushed. "Sorry, Yomi, but she'd find out about the wedding anyway."

"Well-well," smirked Tomo. "Has our Yomi finally shed her bookish exterior to reveal the seductive vixen within?" She struck an exaggerated pose of shock. "Alas, the scandal of it all. Our walking, talking human library is exposed to all the world as a slave to wanton desires and all-around pervyness."

Yomi clenched her fists, a low growl escaping her lips.

"So," she went on,"give up the gossip, girl. Is he dark or fair, tall or short, thin or fat? Ooooh, did I just say...fat?" She leaned in closer. "Still can't give up the taiyaki pastries, huh?"

"I'd shove one in your mouth right now if you'd just shut up."

"Really? With sweet red bean paste or cream filling? Hmmmm?"

"Why don't they make taiyaki pastries with melon bread?" asked Osaka. "I like melon bread."

"Are you nuts?" Tomo bellowed. "Only a melon head would use melon bread in taiyaki."

"MUFFINS!" Yukari shouted as she bolted up from her seat, snapping her eyes open. The guards and waitstaff jumped back a step. The Politburo members froze in their places.

Except for Osaka, still hugging Toyo-kun and drifting off to sleep herself.

"W-w-w-what about them?" asked Nyamo, scrunching into her chair.

Yukari blinked, ran a hand through her hair. "Oh...yeah, sorry," she slurred as she sat down. "I was dreaming I was in a bakery shop, talking with a bunch of giant blueberry muffins about Mozart and stuff. And one of them was getting drunk on peppermint schnapps."

"Oh, that's...um...interesting."

"Yeah, right. I hate classical music. And I don't do schnapps. I'm strictly beer and sake, allright?" She turned to the head waiter, pointed her finger. "Bloody Mary and a roast beef sandwich, light on the mayo...NOW!" She folded her arms. "Ridiculous. As if I'd have anything to do with schnapps. It's so unproletarian."

"Well," said Tomo. "You could always go for juice instead."

Yukari let out a big yawn. "Whaddaya think I am, a kid or something?"

"Do you really want an answer to that?" Nyamo murmured. Yukari stuck her tongue out at her in reply.


	5. Long Live The Chairperson!

"Ah, comrade," asked Major Kozlov, shaking Osaka by the shoulder. "It's time for Toyo-kun's lunch." Osaka blinked, nodded as she handed the giant rabbit to her secretary. Fumbling with the huge beast, she set him down behind one of the portable trays. There a plate of spinach, kale and carrots awaited the hungry hare, who dug into them with relish. 

"That should kept him quiet for an hour," she murmured to the head waiter, who was making Yukari's sandwich. He smiled a reply, offered her a glass of tea, which she accepted. "Thanks, I need this," she said before sipping.

Kagura looked at her watch. "Hmmmm, what's keeping the Chairperson? She's about ten minutes late."

"She's coming now," said Chihiro, pointing at the doorway. "Miss Sakaki always announces her arrival."

Sakaki stood in the doorway, cleared her throat. "All rise for Her Excellency," she said in a firm commanding voice. "Presenting our beloved comrade - Chiyo Mihama - Chairperson of the Central Committee - of the Anime People's Revolutionary Democratic Socialist Whatever-It-Is!"

The Politburo rose as one, except for Yukari, who took her sweet time getting out of her seat. The waitstaff, guards and soldiers stood at attention and saluted.

"All hail the Chairperson!" they cried in unison. "Long live the Chairperson!"

Except for Yukari, murmuring to herself, "That little brat."

Sakaki stood aside and saluted, as Chiyo-chan entered the room. She bowed low to everyone, her briefcase held before her. She walked with Sakaki to the end of the room, stopped near the table's end. On a side table was a Christian icon, a picture of Mary, Mother of Perpetual Help, with a votive candle in front of it.

Sakaki lit the candle with a match on the table. Both she and Chiyo, eyes closed, folded their hands in quiet prayer for a moment. The head waiter and several officers, who took off their caps, faced the icon also, heads bowed.

Chiyo lifted her head, sighed. "O Mary," she said aloud. "Mother of Perpetual Help..."

"Pray for us," Sakaki replied. They then made the Sign of the Cross, Chiyo doing the Catholic version, Sakaki and the officers doing the Orthodox version. Chiyo looked up at the tall brunette beside her, smiled. Sakaki smiled back, hugged her on the shoulders.

Yukari fumed at the pious display. "And a superstitious brat as well," she grumbled.

The pair of them reached their seats, Chiyo at the table's end, Sakaki to her immediate left. The child prodigy climbed up a platform of three steps to reach her chair. She placed her valise before her, next to a wooden gavel.

Chiyo took the gavel in her hand. "The one hundred fifty-third weekly meeting of the Central Committee of the Anime People's Revolutionary Democratic Socialist Whatever-It-Is will now come to order." She banged the gavel.

The flag behind her flopped onto her head and shoulders. Chiyo let out a high-pitched squeal, as she wiggled underneath it.

"Somebody fix this flag," she yelled, struggling to get it off her head. Sakaki and two of the guards grabbed it by the edges, lifted it off her head. Chiyo groaned, slumped her head and arms on the table.

"Are you all right, Comrade Chairperson?" asked Sakaki.

"This is the third time this month that this has happened," Chiyo yelled, snapping her head up into the air. She flapped her arms in mid-air, as if trying to fly. "Somebody has got to fix that flag!"

"Why don't you hire someone to paint the flag on that wall?" said Kagura.

Chiyo stopped her arm-flapping, hummed. "That sounds like a great idea, Miss Kagura. Would anyone like to find out who can do something like that by this time next week?"

"I'll certainly try, Comrade," said Handelbarz. "My department after all, you know. Shall I inform you first when I find out?"

"Yes, please do, thank you. Everyone take your seats." All sat down, opened their folders and valises. "Now before we go over this week's agenda, comrades, do we have any unfinished business to discuss?"

"Yeah, ah do," said Osaka, raising her hand. "Ah have a question 'bout our country's name. Why do we call it a whatever-it-is? Why don't we call it a what-chama-call-it?"

"What does it matter?" Yomi grumbled.

"I think a what-chama-call-it sounds prettier than a whatever-it-is. Don't ya think it sounds prettier, Tomo?"

"Huh? Are you on drugs or something?"

"Maybe she IS a drug," Ohyama murmured. Chihiro suppressed a giggle.

"Simple, Osaka," Nyamo said, finishing her peach. "The delegates at our First National Assembly couldn't decide whether to make our country a union, a commonwealth, a republic, a democracy, a federation or a confederation. So they finally compromised and call it a whatever-it-is."

"They...they did?"

"Well, sure. I mean, we all saw you there every session of the Assembly. Don't you remember?"

"Not really," Osaka said, scratching her head. "Musta fell asleep at the time."

"You fell asleep every time," Kagura said, arms folded. "I saw you nod off myself. Were you that bored?"

"Nah, I was thinkin' then 'bout the diff'rence 'tween a whatever-it-is and a what-chama-call-it."

Kagura rolled her eyes. "And all that thinking put you to sleep, huh?"

"'Fraid so. Sorry."

"Ahhh," Chiyo began, embarrassed. "Let's get back on track, okay?"

"Why?" Yukari blurted. "Whaddaya think we are? Trains?"

"Oh shut up," Nyamo snapped. "It's not the time for dumb puns."

"Where's my sandwich?" Yukari yelled over her shoulder, then glared at Ohyama. He glanced at her, puzzled.

"Chesapeake Bay to you, mister," she growled as the head waiter put her sandwich and drink before her. "Stop happening to yourself for once."

"Huh?" asked Ohyama.

"Deal with it, little boy," she said, pausing to gulp down her Bloody Mary. "We of the Silly Faction don't believe in logic, whether in speech or actions. So forget about figuring out what I'm saying, okay? You moron."

"Hey," said Tomo. "I thought I was the moron. At least, that's what you call me all the time."

"You're too used to it. I gotta think up another zinger to throw at you from now on."

"Hope it's a good one," Tomo smirked. "You have been getting rusty lately. Losing your touch, perhaps?"

"What...was...that?"

"Please," Chiyo said, banging her gavel. _(But not too hard, of course. Flags falling on one's head wasn't a good thing.)_ "Let's not start insulting each other. We've got many things to discuss right now."


	6. Kagura's Report

Ohyama looked puzzled. "All I did was just glance at you. And I get dumped on? What did I do to deserve this?" 

Tomo looked at him with pity. "Shall I explain to him, Yukari?"

"Nah, I might as well get it over with and tell him."

Nyamo sighed. "We have a meeting to attend to, you know."

"You shut up, this needs to be done." Yukari fixed her gaze on the young man. He flinched backward, holding his breath.

"The Silly Faction holds that anime are supposed to be just that - silly. We believe that we aren't meant to act like regular folks, all logical and normal and addicted to common sense all their lives. After all, we're just ink and paint and celluloid, not flesh and blood. Our animated ancestors had no problem acting funny and stupid all the time themselves, in America and elsewhere. Who are we to say they're wrong, huh?"

Smirking, Tomo laid her elbows on the table, placed her chin in her cupped hands. "In the words of the late American rock star, Jim Morrison, _'We believe in activity that has no meaning.'_ Our unofficial motto, so to speak."

"Yes," Yukari said, nodding. "So that means we do stupid things, talk nonsense and act like crazy jerks all the time, just like they did. And those who join us are to do likewise, here in the Whatever-It-Is and elsewhere, until all the world becomes a eternal madhouse. And if it promotes the global dictatorship of the proletariat in the process, all the better."

She climbed up onto the table, thrust her finger toward the ceiling. "Madness for madness' sake, all over the world!" she bellowed.

Tomo stood up, raised a clenched fist above her head. "Yeah! For Socialism and Silliness!" she cried.

The room went silent again.

Chiyo covered her face with both hands, shaking her head. Sakaki reached out, rubbed her arm in support.

Yukari swung her arm at Ohyama, her finger now pointing at his nose. "So if I insult you for no reason, get angry at you for no reason, do anything at you for no reason - you now know why."

Tomo chuckled. "Admit it, Ohyama, you're envious of our audacity, aren't you?"

"YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT! AHHHHH!" he yelled, as he bolted from his chair and out of the room.

"Darling, come back," Chihiro cried out, running after him.

"Comrade commissars, wait," cried two guards who ran after them.

Yukari shrugged her shoulders, as she got off the table back to her place. Tomo took out her jacket handkerchief, dusted the spot where Yukari's shoes were. "Is your sandwich okay?"

"Yeah, it's unharmed," she said, taking a bite. "And light on the mayo for once. Good." She shot Chiyo a glance. "Okay, you may continue."

Yomi sat back in disgust, folded her arms.

"Ah...thank you...Miss Yukari," Chiyo said, uncovering her face. "Marshall Kagura, would you start things this week with your report?"

"Sure," she sighed. "Operation: Reuben Sandwich, our latest national land military exercise, ended Sunday night of this week."

"Hold on," said Yomi. "Did you just say 'Reuben Sandwich'?"

Kagura nodded. "Yes, you heard right." She shot an angry glance at Yukari. "Anyway, the exercise was a success. Our new _Kitana_ Mark Five tanks proved better than we expected in speed and firepower."

"What about their fuel consumption?" Chiyo asked. "With world prices for diesel as they are, the Mark Fives could take a big bite out of our fuel supplies."

"Not to mention the budget," added Sakaki.

"I anticipated that. So I had my staff go through the results of the exercise. We can upgrade our supplies of _Kitana_ Mark Threes and Fours by improving both their main guns and suspension systems. This will lengthen their lifespan considerably, as well as cut back their fuel usage by ten percent. If we keep Mark Five production to a bare minimum, using them for now as defensive tanks, that should aid us on the fuel question."

"Okay," said Chiyo. "Sounds good to me. Anything else?"

"One of our _Eggbeater_-class helicopter gunship squadrons will be grounded for the next few days."

"Which one?"

Kagura flipped a page in her folder. "The Twenty Second, near our northwest border."

"Why?"

"Well," she began, blushing. "It got...egged."

"What?" asked Kaorin.

"As in covered in eggs. Two nights ago, a dozen of their _Eggbeaters _were smothered with them. All sunny side-up and - oh God - sprinkled in paprika."

Chiyo and Sakaki facevaulted.

Nyamo turned to glare at Yukari and Tomo.

"What?" asked Tomo.

"Sabotage," Nyamo hissed.

Yukari smiled as she chewed her sandwich. "A dill pickle would go good with this right now."


	7. Kaorin's Report

"Sprinkled with paprika, huh?" Yomi asked. "Don't you usually do that when you fry eggs first?" 

"Yup," said Kagura. "You got it. Those helicopters were covered in FRIED eggs."

Yomi leaned back in her chair, eyed Tomo tucking a napkin under her neck. "With the Chairperson's permission, I'll order my Intelligence people to aid the military in investigating this--fiasco."

"What?" Tomo yelped, turning to face her. "No fair. I'm the Commissar of Justice, you know. My people should be involved-"

"You're people," Yomi said, "deal with civilian and criminal justice. This is a military and security matter only. Out of your jurisdiction."

"No fair, no fair," Tomo shot back. "I wanna vote on this."

The head waiter placed a glass of juice before Chiyo. "Comrade Chairperson, what would you like today?"

"A quiet meeting," she sighed. She blinked, glanced up at him. "Sorry. I'll have some chicken fried rice and peas, please."

"Beef fried rice and peas for me, thank you," said Sakaki.

"I second the call for a vote," said Yukari. "And I wanna dill pickle right now."

"I feared she'd say that," murmured Kaorin. "The vote, I mean, not the pickle."

"Ah┘we're missing two commissars," Rachel sang out.

Osaka suddenly giggled out loud, hugging herself as she did.

"That supposed to be funny?" asked Rachel.

"No, it wasn't that," she replied. "I was just laughin' 'bout Yukari's drunken muffins dream. Y'know, that sounds like a good title for a funny folk song." She nodded. "Miss Yukari's Drunken Muffins'. Yeah, that's a home run right there, y'all."

Yukari glared at her, dropping her sandwich on her plate. "Just--get--to--the--vote--please."

"All right," groaned Chiyo. "On the proposition of the Commissariat of Justice aiding the Army in investigating the egging -- ah -- I mean, fried egging of the helicopter squadron, rather than the Commissariat of Intelligence and Security. All those in favor, raise your hands."

Yukari and Tomo thrust their arms up.

"Two in favor," said Chiyo, as the pair lowered their hands. "Those opposed?"

The rest of the Committee raised their hands.

"Then Ohyama and Chihiro will be marked down as 'abstaining'. The proposition is defeated."

"Rats," Yukari growled, before stuffing her sandwich in her mouth.

"Still not fair," Tomo whined. She turned to see Osaka still raising her arm. "The vote's over, Osaka."

"It...it is?"

"Duh! Of course it is. Now lower your arm and go eat your lunch."

"Anything else, Marshall Kagura?"

"No, Chiyo, that's it for now."

"Thank you, Marshall. We'll now here from the Commissar of Sciences, please."

"Head waiter," Osaka said. "I'd like some fried octopus balls, please."

"Comrade commissar," said Major Kozlov from behind her. "You've had them for lunch for three days in a row."

"Oh yeah-" she said, tilting her head sideways. Her eyes glazed over, which was her normal expression when in deep thought. Kozlov shook her head, finished her glass of tea.

"Comrade Mishkin," she said, calling the head waiter by his last name. "Vegetable salad for the commissar, light vinaigrette dressing." She handed him her glass. "When she's like this, it will last for a while."

Kaorin stood up, cleared her throat. "Comrade chairperson and fellow comrades, I am pleased to report that the new research labs at Port Pacific are finally completed. After a delay of about twenty weeks, the laboratory equipment they needed has arrived in good order. Barring any further slip-ups, they should begin operating by mid-January."

"Twenty weeks?" asked Nyamo. "But we need those labs on line right now. We have to prepare vaccinations against both the flu and the measles for this winter. What held it up?"

"I was afraid you'd ask that. The glass containers the lab needed were shipped by mistake to our nation's largest brewery. My people discovered they used them to help whip up some new-fangled beer with a high alcoholic content."

Nyamo turned to face Yukari. "Your idea?"

"Nope. Like she said, just a screw-up in shipping orders. But I sure appreciated their efforts." She grinned a wicked grin. "Four cases with their complements. Man, what a buzz it gave me." She looked over her shoulder. "Where's that pickle?" she yelled.

"Coming, comrade," said Mishkin.

"Besides," she went on. "The rest of the cases we can export to foreign booze markets for some ready cash. You can never have enough foreign currency."

"Cute," she murmured, a disgusted look on her face. "Go on, Kaorin."

"Yes, ma'am. Secondly, we're making progress on our new orbital space telescope. The last parts for it have arrived. We're still scheduled for launching it into space by mid-March."

"Space," Osaka said, catching all off-guard. "Y'know, I was wondering if we're ever gonna launch a moon probe or something real soon."

"Um--ah--moon probe?" Kaorin sputtered.

"Yeah. Can we do it without costing us too much money?"

"Well--I don't know. Possibly. Why do you ask?"

"I have a proposal for a joint project between your guys in Sciences and my guys in Education. A specific moon probe project who's discovery will benefit our departments, our country and eventually the whole world."

"Oh?" Chiyo asked. "And what would that be, Osaka?"

Osaka stood up, clenched fist to her heart, eyes looking toward the heavens.

"To prove once and for all whether the Moon is made of green cheese or not."

Everyone's mouth hung open in shock.

Except for Sakaki, who crossed herself in silence.

Kaorin blinked, gulped. "Ah...well...um...I'll have to check with my budget committee on that. And...well...they can be...quite...tight-fisted...on allocating funds."

"No problem, Kaorin. I'll get my budget folks to give some of our money to you guys. That way, this project can get done real soon."

"Dare I ask why the rush?" Yomi sighed.

"Well I'll tell y'all why. And this concerns Yukari's department as well."

Yukari shut her eyes, hung her head down. "Waiter--another Bloody Mary with that pickle."


	8. The Moon Probe Project

"Yah see," Osaka began. "For a long time, folks have been told the moon was made of green cheese. Yet, every night, all over the world, them folks look up and see it's grey." She tapped her finger on the table. "Grey, not green. And not only that, but it's full of holes." 

"Those are craters, not holes," said Nyamo.

"Now, I'm askin' y'all. What type of cheese gotta lotta holes in it?"

"Well," Sakaki said. "Havarti cheese from Denmark has holes."

"Yeah, but that has teeny-weeny holes in it. I'm talkin' big holes. Big enough that y'all can see from far away."

Kagura scratched her head. "Only cheese I know having that is Swiss cheese."

"Right," Osaka said, now pointing at the ceiling. "And them Swiss has been laying low for a long, long time. Keepin' real secret like. Just stuck in the middle of Europe, not buggin' nobody. But all this time, real slow, they've been takin' over the Moon 'n fillin' it full of holes. Just like their cheese."

Kaorin sat still, staring at Osaka. Rachel rubbed Kaorin's shoulder in sympathy. "Let's face it," she said. "It takes all types to run a government."

"They can't get away with it, y'all," Osaka went on. "The Moon is an international treasure. It belongs to everybody all over the world."

"Hmmm, wait a second," Tomo said. "If the Moon was originally made of green cheese, wouldn't the Irish have the right to it first? After all, when you think of green anything, it's usually Irish."

"Good point, Tomo. Then the Swiss are in real trouble then. Just think - stealing the Moon from the Irish, then turning the green cheese into Swiss cheese. But just like in a court of law, y'all needs to prove your case and stuff." She fixed her gaze on Kaorin. "And that's where y'all comes in, Kaorin. We need hard evidence to show the world what them Swiss is up to." She banged her fist on the table. "So we need to build that moon probe - and fast!"

She then pointed at Yukari. "And YOU!" she barked, freezing the commissar in her seat. "Why ain't yo' folks in Foreign Affairs warnin' the world 'bout this?" She slammed a fist into her open palm. "This is a blatant act of Swiss imperialism, and y'all ain't dun nuthin' 'bout it yet! WHY?"

Yukari started to big sweat. "W-w-w-well," she stammered. "If I'm gonna - y'know - present our case to the world, then my people need evidence, too. Right?" She glanced at Yomi. "And who's better sneaking into other countries and getting their secrets than her folks?" She pointed at Yomi, who rolled her eyes.

"Sure," Tomo added with a smirk. "Bootsie's people can handle that easy, Osaka."

"Who?"

Tomo shook her thumb at Yomi. "That's the new nickname of our modern-day Mata Hari over there." She chuckled as she leaned back into her chair. "With everything that famous name implies. Isn't that right - Bootsie?"

Kagura winced, as Yomi growled low in her throat.

"Well," Osaka said. "Whoever she is nowadays, we need her and her folks to get that secret Swiss info to the world. We can't allow the Swiss to transmute all that moon cheese into Swiss cheese. Did y'all ever smell Swiss cheese, much less eat it? What if some of them spacemen tried to land on the Earth 'n got a whiff of the Moon on their way here? All that Swiss cheese smell would stink up the space around us, and that would drive them away. And then you can just kiss any outer space tourism good-bye, all thanks to them Swiss folks."

Chiyo sighed, tapped her gavel. "Order, please. Comrade Kaorin, can we make a moon probe with the current technology we have now?"

"Um - I think so, comrade chairperson. But it wouldn't be that big or complex. I mean with the budget and all..."

"Well, the Russians and Americans ARE ahead of us in moon studies," said Rachel. "We don't always want to be behind them in this area. From a propaganda standpoint, that would make us look bad."

"Good point, Comrade Handlebarz. Kaorin, talk with your people to see we can afford and work from there. Encourage them to get as creative as they can." She turned to Osaka. "And Comrade Osaka, don't give too much money from your budget for this probe project. We don't want our teachers to go unpaid by mistake."

"Don't you worry 'bout that, Chiyo-chan," she said smiling. "The world will thank you someday for this, trust me."

Tomo smiled an evil smile as she eyed Yomi. "HEY-YAY-YAY BOOOOOOOOT-SIEEEEEEEEE!" she shouted.

"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!?!" Yomi bellowed.

Nyamo folded her arms on the table, hid her face behind them. "I should have stayed in bed."


	9. Osaka's Report

Chiyo-chan rubbed her chin. "Ah, Miss Kaorin, is there anything further to report this week?" 

"No, Comrade Chairperson, that's about it." She bowed her head, resigned to Osaka's determined plans. "I would like to ask a favor of Osaka, however."

"Whatcha need?"

Kaorin turned her eyes to Toyo-kun, munching away at his lunch. "I'd like to give your bunny a hug."

"Sure," she replied smiling. "Like I said, he likes folks." She thrust her thumb at her pet. "Just don't scare him or anythin' like that, y'here?"

Nodding, Kaorin sprung up from her seat, as the head waiter set Yukari's pickle before her on a plate. "Will you require anything else, comrade commissar?"

Yukari gulped, eyes fixed on Osaka. "Um...yeah, you got any grub that can calm somebody down? Like now?"

Nyamo lifted up her head. "Give her a turkey sandwich with that pickle. The amino acids in it usually make people sleepy after a while."

"Very good, comrade. Anything for you?"

"Chef's salad, hold the eggs, vinaigrette dressing. And some water with lemon in it to drink."

"Miss Osaka," Chiyo said. "Since you're still standing, would you like to give us your report for this week?"

"Major, my folder?"

"Is in front of you, comrade," Kozlov said, holding a steaming bowl of beef stew in her hands. "Right next to your salad."

"Thanks," she said, opening it. "Well, the Fifty-Ninth Educational District is in need of new science textbooks, 'cause a lot of their information is out of date."

"How so?" asked Sakaki.

"The schools there been doin' some science experiments for their winter term papers, based on whut's in them books. Some of them students been tryin' to grow iceberg lettuce in wintertime and ain't got nowhere with it so far. At least that's whut I figured out."

Nyamo hid her face behind her folded arms and sighed.

"Now," Osaka went on. "It is a scientific fact that y'all cain't grow iceberg lettuce if there ain't no icebergs around. And the Fifty-Ninth District is surrounded by land, not icebergs. Now unless them teachers in the district think land is water in disguise, and them icebergs are hidin' out there somewhere, they is feedin' their students a lotta outdated scientific theories 'n stuff. That ain't gonna help them in the future, y'all."

Tomo scratched her head. "Then why are iceberg lettuces green rather than white? I mean after all, if they come from icebergs, shouldn't they be the same color as them?"

Yomi slumped in her chair, shook her head while crossing her eyes. "Posture, Miss Yomi," Chiyo chided.

"And another thing," Tomo continued. "Why are greenhouses usually painted anything but green? All the one's I've seen are mostly glass with white metal framing. Has somebody been lying to me all this time about that?" She balled up her fists in front of her. "They ought to know better than to mess with Tomo Takino. I'm the law 'round here, see?"

Yukari reached out an arm, snapped Tomo's nose with her fingers. Tomo yelped, covered her nose with her hands.

"Hey," she cried. "What's the deal?"

"Shut up," she barked. "Just don't antagonize Osaka."

Tomo raised her eyebrows. "What? Are you...afraid of her?"

"Were you asleep the last two minutes then? Huh?"

"He's so cuddly," sighed Kaorin from the floor, kneeling next to the giant rabbit. Her arms enfolded Toyo-kun, as he was chewing some watercress. Closing her eyes, she let her face brush against his long ears.

Osaka looked at the ceiling for a few seconds, humming.

"Hey," she shouted, snapping her fingers. "Ah just gots an idea. Sakaki, y'all think Toyo-kun fits thuh government standards fer bein' cute 'n cuddly?"

She nodded, grinning.

"Well, maybe we can do some joint educational project with both our departments and Kaorin's. I mean, teachin' folks 'bout rabbits and stuff. Y'know some campaign starring Toyo-kun as 'Revolution Rabbit' or somethin' like that."

"But wouldn't that interfere with your moon probe proposal? I mean as far as funding is concerned?"

Osaka's mouth hung open, as Sakaki's words sank in. "Wow -- that's a good point."

Sakaki nodded again. "We only get so much taxpayer money every year, Osaka. We have to make the money stretch as much as possible."

Osaka raised an eyebrow. "Stretch? Stretch?" She turned to Rachel, silently slurping her bowl of ramen noodle soup. "Uh, Rachel, when did we start printin' money on rubber? Don't we use paper no more?"

Major Kozlov groaned as she crossed herself, spoon in her right hand. Some of the waitstaff covered their mouths, stifling their giggles in vain.

"He's...so...fuhz-zee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee..." sighed Kaorin, snuggling Toyo-kun closer.

"You were saying about the textbooks, Osaka?" Rachel asked.

"Huh?" she said, blinking. "What...oh yeah. Well, them textbooks is teachin' those students the wrong things 'bout growing them lettuces 'n stuff. We cain't be teachin' 'em lies like that, y'hear? It does a disservice to the youth of our nation."

"Were they trying to grow them outside in the snow?" Sakaki asked.

"Nah, worse than that, Sakaki. They're tryin' to grow them indoors." She tapped her finger on the table to make a point. "And whut's even worse, they is tryin' to grow them without any dirt at all."

Nyamo lifted up her head. "It's called 'hydroponics', Osaka. People in other countries have been growing food like that for many, many years."

"They...they have? Then why do them foreigners still have farms then?"

Chiyo now began to big sweat. "Uh...um...Miss Osaka? Maybe you should finish your lunch for now, and leave a copy of your report with me to read. Okay? Please?"

"Y-yeah, sure, Chiyo-chan," she said, sitting down. "You're the boss after all, y'all."

"Hey, Bootsie," said Tomo. "Like, do you got any pictures of your main squeeze on you or what?"

"SHUT UP WITH THE BOOTSIE CRAP!" Yomi barked. "And like heck I'm going to show them to you."

"Please stop it," Chiyo pleaded with arms outstretched. "Please don't yell at each other."

"Mishkin," Yukari snapped. "Where's my sandwich?!"


	10. Kimura's Present

A moment later, one of Yomi's security guards, a silver-bearded senior commander, entered the Conference Room. Walking to the commissar's right side, he whispered something in her ear.

"You're kidding," she murmured. "Them?"

"I wish I was, Koyomi-chan," he replied. "They insist on presenting their gift themselves."

She made a face as if eating a sour persimmon. "Have they been searched?"

"Thoroughly, as was their gift. They're clean."

She patted his arm gently. "Thanks, Papa, I'll break the bad news to her." She waved her hand at Chiyo. "Begging the Chairperson's pardon, I request a little interrpution of the meeting for a moment. I found out the directors of the People's Art Center have a gift they wish to give to you in person."

"Really?"

"Yes, comrade. My security people have cleared them for entry."

Chiyo folded her hands on the table. "Well, let them in." She bowed her head. "Just so we can stop all this yelling for a moment," she mewed.

The senior commander gestured to the guards at the doors, who opened them wide.

A tall, gaunt figure trudged his way into the Room. Decked out in Victorian garb covered in dusty grey powder, he dragged a pair of chains made of construction paper. Three cardboard boxes, painted to look like safes, were glued to the front of the jacket he wore. His mouth was open, a rag tied around his jaw and skull, the tied ends sticking up like mock rabbit ears. His arms lung limp by his side. His spectacles reflected the ceiling lights above him.

He made his way to the end of the conference table, fixed his spectacles. Kaorin, sensing something strange ahead, hugged Toyo-kun close to her.

"Ahem-ahem," he said, clearing his throat. He raised his arms above his head, shaking his outstretched hands. "EBENEZER SCROO-OO-OO-OO-OOGE!!" he wailed.

"BOO!" said a lighter, giggling voice from behind him. A smiling woman popped out from behind Kimura, dressed in green velvet. A furry Santa Claus hat lay upon her head, her hands gloved in red velvet. One hand lay on Kimura's shoulder, the other held a small cardboard box.

Chiyo blinked for a moment. "Um...ah...Mister and Mrs. Kimura?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said, lowering his arms. "It's a high honor to be in your prescence." His gaze met the eyes of the commissars. "As well as the rest of the Politburo."

"Um..." Chiyo said, rubbing an earlobe. "Thank you...Kimura-san. Pardon my asking, but aren't you about two months late for Halloween?"

Kimura tilted his head for a moment, then chuckled. "That's a good one, ma'am. But...but this isn't a Halloween costume."

"Well," Yomi mumbled to herself. "You'd fit right into the season in any case."

"I'm supposed to be the ghost of Jacob Marley," said Kimura, now holding the box.

"And I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past," said his wife, her hands folded below her.

Rachel slurped up the last of her noodles. "Miss Kozlov? Pardon my interrputing your stew, but...um..."

The Major nodded, lay her bowl on one of the trays. Swiping her lips with her hand, she walked to Kimura's side. "You wish to present a gift to our Great Leader?"

"Indeed," he said, standing upright as he opened the box. "On behalf of the People's Art Center, it's management and staff," he cried. "We formally invite our glorious Chairperson, her parents, the Politburo and their families to our opening night production of Charles Dickens' _'A Christmas Carol'_" He presented the box, filled with tickets to the Major, bowing as he did.

"Um...well..." Chiyo sputtered. "Gee...this is unexpected. I do thank you for your generous gift."

"Just doing our duty as revolutionary artists, nothing more," he replied, as Kozlov took the box from him.

"Let's give her a rousing cheer, honey," Mrs. Kimura said with a beaming smile.

They raised their left fists in the air. "Long live the Chairperson," they cried.

Tomo made a gagging gesture with her finger.

"For once," Nyamo mumbled, "I agree with you."

Chiyo blinked, gulped. "I...ah...thank you for your support, comrades." She gave a hesitant salute in reply. "I...really appreciate this..."

"It's our pleasure," said Kimura, bowing his head.

"She's so cute," Mrs. Kimura added, folding her hands in glee.

They spun around toward the door, walked out arm in arm.

"Isn't she just adorable, honey?" she asked as they left the room.

"The country's never been in better hands!" he bellowed with pride, as the guards closed the doors behind them.

Yomi shut her eyes, bent her head down as she rubbed her temples.

"That's the weirdest act of patriotism I've ever seen," murmured Kagura.

"May we never see another one like it," Yomi groaned.

"I...love...bun-nee-ee-ee-ees," Kaorin cooed.

"What's wrong with you, Kaorin?" asked Nyamo. "You're scaring me here."

"Oh please," Yukari said. "You call that scary? That's not even close to being scary."

"I like fuzzy animals," she replied, turning to face Nyamo. "I never had a pet as a kid, and I always envied those who had one. Our glorious Chairperson has her dog Mister Tadakichi. Comrade Sakaki has that sweet little Maya. And now Comrade Osaka has this fellah right here." She gave the rabbit's left ear a playful tug. "You all are sooooo lucky."

Sakaki grinned. "Well, you should save up your money and buy you a bunny."

Tomo shot her a shocked look. "Did...did you know what you just did?" She pointed a finger at her. "You just uttered an...an...an advertising slogan!" She stood up, her fists on the table. "Only lackeys of a capitalist regime dare to spit out such drivel! How dare you bring such anti-socialist pollution into this room, you...you...you...that's what you are!"

"Actually," Osaka said, finger in the air. "That was just a little poetic advice she gave to Kaorin."

"Huh? What?" Tomo barked.

"Well, in advertising slogans, they usually trademark them poems 'n stuff to get people to buy their stuff 'n things. And Sakaki never put no trademark symbol on whut she said. Otherwise, you'd see that tee-em symbol come out of her mouth ev'ry time she'd said that. Not only would that look gross to people, but it'll be mighty unsanitary as well."

Tomo blinked. "Y'know...for some reason...that makes sense."

Sakaki raised her eyebrows, puzzled.

"Folks," Yukari said, cracking her knuckles. "What Kimura just did wouldn't scare the dumbest elf in Santa's workshop. You need creativity to be really scary, and he just doesn't have it."

"And what does this what to do with the meeting?" asked Nyamo.

"Hmmph, typical Sensible Faction reaction. You should know me better than that." She turned to face Chiyo. "You want scary? No sweat, kid, I'll give you scary."

She stood up from her seat. "Mishkin, Dijon mustard. Like right now!"

As the head waiter scrambled for the small bottle, Yukari pulled out of nowhere a thick bundle of black wool, parts of it coiled tight like springs. She tied it in a loose knot under her chin, then climb onto the table again. She swiped the half-eaten pickle from the plate, grabbed the mustard bottle from Mishkin's outstretched arm.

"Where'd that wool come from?" Rachel asked.

"None of your business, babe," Yukari said, dipping the uneaten pickle end into the mustard. She painted the number seventeen – backwards – on her face with the mustard, tossed the bottle back to Mishkin. The pickle dropped into her plate.

She spun around, catching the Politburo off-guard and gasping.

"HA-A-A-A-A-A!" She roared with a gutteral screech. Her eyes rolled upward, hands raised to her face, curled like claws. "Seventeen-seventeen," she chanted like some dark mantra, wiggling her fingers as if they were worms.

Nyamo closed her eyes, let out a loud yawn.

Yukari stopped in mid-chant, turned to face Nyamo. Here eyes returned to normal. "Huh?You're...you're...not...scared?"

"What you're doing isn't even silly by your faction's definition. It's just boring and stupid."

"Stupid?" she said, shocked. "Stupid? Are you serious?"

"No," she said smirking. "Just being...sensible." Yukari's clawed hands balled into fists.

"Hey," Tomo yelled. "Why don't I have a number?"

Yukari hummed to herself, pointed at Mishkin. "Toss me up that ketchup bottle," she barked.

He grabbed it from a tray, tossed it to her. She caught it in one hand, opened it with the other. She scooped up her half-eaten pickle, dunked the uneaten end in the bottle. Yukari leaned over Tomo's head with a flourish, wrote the number 204 on the commissar's forehead.

"There," she said, tossing the bottle back to him. "And triple digits as well."

"Thanks, Yukari," Tomo said, turning to face Yomi. She grinned a know-it-all grin, stuck her tongue out at her.

Yomi's face went deadpan. "You STILL won't see my pictures, Tomo."

"Ah...whatever," said Yukari, devouring the rest of the pickle.


	11. Yomi's Report

"Comrade Yomi," said Chiyo. "Would you like to give your report now?"

"Sure, Comrade," she said, standing up. "Everyone, as you know, this is only a short summary of what my people have discovered this week. Further details have been classified top-secret, and are for the Chairperson's eyes only."

"And Sakaki's too, I'll bet," Yukari grumbled. "That little pig-tailed brat."

"Is there anythin' 'bout the Swiss in yo' report this week?" asked Osaka, raising an eyebrow.

Yomi shut her eyes. "You only told us about the Swiss today, remember?"

"Oh...yeah, sorry." She grabbed her head in her hands, shut her own eyes in pain. "Discoverin' things makes my head hurt sometimes."

"You have our sympathy," she mumbled. "Comrade Chairperson and fellow comrades, we've uncovered evidence of a possible industrial espionage ring in Techno City."

"What?" Chiyo yelped. "When?"

"Three days ago. Our operatives discovered three State employees photocopying blueprints of a new fuel-efficient engine for our military cargo trucks. They worked at our State Laboratory for Internal Combustion Engine Design."

"Otherwise known as SLICED," added Kagura, shaking her head. "As in bread, cheese, pie and so on. Sheesh, it seems almost everything in this country revolves around food."

"Welcome to the Whatever-It-Is, Marshall," Yomi said, nodding. "In any case, they've been arrested with the prints in hand, and are being interrogated with their lawyers present. As soon as we've found out who they're working for, Chiyo-chan, we'll let you know."

"Fine," she said, head bowed. "I just don't know why everybody in the world wants to steal from us."

"It's been going on for centuries, Chiyo-chan. Every nation spies on and steals from everyone else. It's not right at all, true, but that's the way of the world."

"Comrade Marshall," said Mishkin. "Your chicken salad sandwich and coffee are all set in front of you."

"Thanks, I'm famished."

"Anything else?"Chiyo asked.

"We've been keeping tabs on the joint Russian and Chinese military exercises they've been holding this week. And it doesn't look good. All indications are that they're _still_ planning a joint invasion of our country in the future."

"But why?" she asked, pounding the table with her fists.

"It's as I said in the past, Chiyo-chan. Both countries want our territory and resources for their own, as well as to keep the capitalist countries from doing the same."

"But that's just mean. I've told them we're keeping strictly neutral between them and the West. Didn't their leaders promise us..."

"They act according to Lenin's advice: _'Promises are like pie crusts; they're made to be broken.' _They still practice that today."

Chiyo bowed her head again, sighed. She was quiet for a minute.

"All right, Miss Yomi. Keep a sharp eye out for them then. Anything else?"

"No, that's it for this week's summary."

"Ahhhh...Yomi," Tomo said gingerly. "If I ask you really, really nice...can I see your pictures, pretty please?"

Disgusted, the commissar sat down. "You'll be the last to see it."

"WHAT?"

Kagura winced. "C'mon, Tomo, I'm right next to you, dummy. Yomi, I'll wait until you pass it around to everyone else."

"Okay," she said, taking out a large photo from her folder.

"Lemme see, lemme see," Tomo yelped, thrusting her arms toward Yomi. Kagura held her back with one arm, the hand under the pit of Tomo's throat. The other hand held her sandwich.

"You first, Osaka," said Yomi. "Then pass it along to Chiyo, okay?"

"Sure," she said, looking at it. "Say, he's gotta mighty-fine face, Yomi. Eyes as big as yours."

"C'mon, lemme see," Tomo whined, her arms flailing in the air.

"Cut it out," Kagura barked. "I wanna eat my lunch in peace."

"You keep dreamin', missy," said Yukari, untying the wool from her neck. "Even Santa can't give you that for Christmas, heh-heh-heh."

Kaorin smooched Toyo-kun on his head, then stood up to face the head waiter. "Comrade Mishkin, if you have any pork ramen noodle soup, I'll have a bowl, please."

"Again, comrade?" asked Mishkin, grinning. "Let me guess. You've been watching that Japanese movie _Tampopo_ again, haven't you? About the woman restaurateur trying to make the perfect ramen soup?"

"Well, for that main story, not so much for the side stories." She stood on tiptoe to reach his ear. "Because you see," she murmured. "Some of them creep me out, especially the ones with that gangster in white."

The head waiter chuckled. "Osaka with her octopus balls, you with your soup. Very well, comrade."

"Wipe that stupid number off your head," Kagura yelled.

"No way, I like triple digits!" Tomo shot back. "And gimme that picture."

"Grammar, Miss Tomo," Chiyo groaned, as Osaka gave her the photo. The Chairperson's eyes and mouth opened wide with delight. "Wow! He's handsome. How old is he, Miss Yomi?"

"About three years older than me."

"He looks like a good person." She turned to face her. "I'm happy for you, Miss Yomi. I'm sure it will be a perfect match."

"I wanna-wanna-wanna-wanna see that picture," Tomo yelled, as she fell to the floor behind Kagura's chair with a loud "OOOF!".

"Serves you right," said the Marshall, finally taking a bite. Kaorin scurried past Tomo as she looked over Chiyo's shoulder. Her eyes widened as well, nodding in approval. She waved her hand at Nyamo, who walked up to Sakaki's side.

"Here you go, Miss Sakaki," said Chiyo as she passed the photo to her. She and Nyamo gazed at it, with Nyamo humming in satisfaction.

"Congratulations, Yomi, you hit the jackpot," Kaorin said, sitting down next to the tall brunette.

"Does...does he like cats?" asked Sakaki.

"Yes, both dogs and cats."

Tomo got off the floor, bounded over to Sakaki's side.

"Gimme that," she cried, grabbing the picture from her and looking at it.

She facevaulted, eyes bulging almost out of their sockets.

It was a full color close-up snapshot of Yomi in a cashmere sweater, embracing her fiance, her head on his chest and facing the camera. Her face was serene and content. Her beau was in formal dress uniform, major's bars on his jacket's lapels. His face was calm and confident, blonde hair with streaks of brown, sharp eyes of forest green.

The phrase _fashion model_ popped into her head. Only he looked better than that. Much better.

Tomo's lower lip shimmied. "He's...he's..." she murmured. "He's...a...hunk."

"Indeed he is," Yomi sighed. "He is Major Pyotr Andreavich Ivanov of the Seventh Infantry. The phrase '_an officer and a gentleman'_ fits him to a tee. One of the smartest, kindest men I've ever known." She turned to the senior guard commander. "And you've raised him well, Papa."

"Papa?"

"Papa as in Papa-in-law, and that's as of this coming June," she said, folding her arms.

"Yeah?" Tomo whined. "Oh yeah? Just whaddaya think you're gonna do with this guy anyway, huh?"

"Oh, I dunno," Yomi said, leaning back on her chair. "Marry him, make love to him, bear his children, raise them as good people with him, grow old gracefully with him." She looked at Sakaki. "And if there is an afterlife, as Sakaki and our Chairperson believe, I hope to dwell in eternal bliss with him after we die." She grinned, as Sakaki blushed in surprise. "That's all. Nothing fancy."

Tomo looked at the picture again, then at the senior Ivanov. The resemblance was there, with the similar handsome face and green eyes. Her lips shimmied even more, her eyes watering now.

"Gotta admit," she groaned. "His dad does look...cute." He smiled, bowed his head in thanks. "Colonel, did your dad..."

"With the Chairperson's permission, I'd like to share a picture with the Commissar," he said, removing his wallet. Taking out a small photo, he put it in her hands. It was a black-and-white photo of two men in early Victorian men's dress, the younger man standing next to his bearded elder, who was seated and holding a violin and bow.

"The young man is my father, the conductor Alexander Ivanov. The old man is my grandfather, Mikhail Ivanov, violinist and opera soprano."

Tomo gasped. "You...mean THAT Ivanov? Who founded our national Opera House?"

"The same, comrade. And my father conducted it's orchestra until he died three years ago, God rest his soul."

Yukari's face went pale, the mustard-painted seventeen now more prominent. "You...you..." she sputtered. "You're gonna...marry...into the...Ivanovs?" she screeched, startling everyone in the room.

"Don't...scare...the Chair...person," Yomi said, locking eyes with Yukari, each word uttered like a death threat. "And yes, I'm going to marry into them. So there."

Yukari blinked, snorted a derisive laugh. "Goody for you," she said. She took the bundle of wool off her head, rubbed her face with it. "Damn that lucky four-eyed..." she whispered, as she wiped off the mustard.

Kagura, exasperated, ran a hand through her hair when she spied another picture under Yomi's folder.

"What's this?" she asked, pointing to it.

Yomi smirked. "Just a little something I've made for Pyotr recently. You can sneak a peek."

Kagura carefully lifted the folder and gasped. It was a professional studio shot of the Commissar leaning against a wall. She wore a tight _cheongsam_, a Chinese-style silk mini-dress, which did justice to her body in all the right spots. Dyed in bright red, it had a stylized golden phoenix emblazoned on the front. Her red thigh-high boots gleamed with a just-polished look. Yomi's face in the picture had the "come-hither" look written all over it.

_Carumba,_ Kagura thought to herself. _Her fiance will die from shock, I swear_.

"What's with the...ah...ahem," Kagura sputtered, looking at Chiyo-chan. "Why the...well...courtesan costume, shall we say?"

Yomi glanced at the Chairperson, nodded. "I...get your meaning, Marshall. I was inspired by that old American romantic comedy film _Pretty Woman_, with Julia Roberts in the female lead. At least regarding the boots. The mini-dress idea came later on." She leaned her head on her hand. "Somehow, that film always got to me. I dreamt of being swept away by a Richard Gere-type, but without the dark side of his movie character. And my dream came true with Pyotr. So I wanted to please him with a glamour shot of me, to remember me by when he's on duty."

Yukari dropped the wool bundle, glared at her. "You damn bourgeois," she barked. "Get out!" She pointed toward the double doors of the room.

"Who?" asked Nyamo.

"Her!" she said, now pointing at Yomi. "I ain't talkin' about Celine Dion, am I now?"

"Hey, I remember him," cried Osaka, snapping her fingers. "He's that guy who sang _Runaround Sue_ back in the Fifties, right?"

Yukari dropped her arm, shut her eyes. "I'm talking about Celine Dion. You're thinking of Dion and the Belmonts, you dope."

Osaka blinked. "Ohhh. Good point. Y'know, I always did wonder why she never sang that tune on stage."

Yukari hung her head. "Mishkin...another Bloody Mary here."

"But...but that's you're third one," said Rachel.

"When you're dealing with her, it pays to be drunk," Yukari said, pointing at Osaka.

"Last time I checked, it was Chiyo-chan who was Chairperson," Yomi sighed. "Not you. She'll say whether I leave or not."

"For now," Yukari said under her breath, as she lifted her head. "Tomo, lemme see that. And be careful with that thing." Nodding, Tomo walked over to the commissar, gave her the photo as she wiped hot tears from her face.

Yukari's hands began shaking, her face red with anger and jealousy, baring her teeth in a snarl.

"You mean to tell me," she began, facing Yomi and pointing at the photo. "You're gonna shack up with this...luscious...piece of eye-candy? For good?!"

"And wear his ring," Yomi said, leaning back, crossing her long booted legs. "And take his name...and bear his babies." She grinned a sly grin, fingering a strand of her long ponytail. "Lots...of...babies."

Yukari passed the photo to Kagura, shaking with envious rage. "Tomo, outside! Now!"

Both commissars bolted out of the Conference Room, flinging open the double doors, only to face Ohyama, Chihiro and their two guards at the threshold.

Yukari thrust a thumb toward the room. "Get back inside, you two," she ordered. "You both still have your reports to make to that...I mean the Chairperson. Now scram!" Both commissars and guards fled past them as she and Tomo walked out. The doors were shut behind them.

"Can you hold on for just a minute, Tomo?" she asked, pulling a cellphone from her jacket pocket. Tomo nodded, wiping her eyes with her napkin, as Yukari hit a speed-dial button.

"Lieutenant Stroganova, you've got thirty seconds to meet me in front of the Conference Room," Yukari yelled into the cellphone. "Bring two cans of the 'usual'. Do it now!"

Seconds later, they saw a young lady in army uniform and longcoat run up to them. Her braided brunette ponytail was tied up with a dark green plant. The leaves stuck out here and there at crazy angles.

"Yes, comrade," she said, saluting in a cheery chirp.

"Do you have your silly string spray cans ready?"

"At all times, comrade commissar. One in each pocket."

"Are they in pink per my standing orders?"

"Sorry, ma'am. The spray can central factory manager said they were all out of pink. But they did have an over-supply of purple."

"Really? Did you get a discount?"

"Yes, comrade. He gave us a thirty percent discount in exchange for us not shooting him for anti-socialist activities."

"Good, get ready to use them." She bent her head in closer, check out the leaves in her braid. "Is that oregano?"

"No, ma'am, it's sweet basil. Grew it myself back at my home commune."

Yukari nodded in approval. "Cooking herbs in the hair. Just as a true Silly Faction woman should do. Excellent. Check your watches."

All three women looked at their wrists, counted the seconds.

Yukari raised her finger. "Three...two...one...NOW!" She and Tomo fell forwards on the floor, pounding at it with fierce fists and feet.

"WAAAAAAH!" they screamed. "No fair-no fair-no fair-no fair-no fair-no fair-WAAAAAAH!" They rolled around on the floor like they were marbles. Stroganova pulled out her cans of silly string, sprayed them into the air, the string falling onto the two commissars. They were soon covered in the purple goo, still yelling and flailing away like colicky babies.

Meanwhile in the Conference Room, Chihiro hugged Ohyama closer to her, half-buried her face in his chest. Their two guards stood in front of them, eyes fixed on the double doors. Colonel Ivanov walked up beside the two young commissars, bowed his head to them. Everyone else look toward the doors either confused or disturbed.

"Synchronized temper-tantrums," Yomi said in disgust. "Stupid."

"Colonel Ivanov," Ohyama asked. "Why haven't those two been thrown into a loony bin?"

"Because, comrade," he said in a low voice. "Their supporters in the Silly Faction would start riots nationwide in order to free them. That's why the Politburo hasn't acted yet."

"They can't all be as crazy as them, can they?" Ohyama turned to see Sakaki, Kaorin and Nyamo solemnly nod their heads. "Well...but...how many supporters do they have anyway? Is it like hundreds? Thousands? Tens of thousands?"

The senior Ivanov looked him in the eye, squeezed his shoulder. "Young man...try tens of millions."

Chihiro shut her eyes, hiding her face even more in her boyfriend's chest. Ohyama gulped, as he laid a hand on her head.

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EDITOR'S NOTE: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the long spans of time between posting chapters. Whether it is my blessing or my curse, I tend to be a slow writer. "Slow", in my case, is a gross understatement. A tendency toward perfectionism doesn't help either.

So I appreciate your patience with me as I do my best to – eventually – complete this fanfic. And I thank you for your reviews and notes of encouragement. The next chapter will be done as soon as possible. I ask you to tell your friends who like Azumanga Daioh fanfics all about this story and spread the good word.

Again, thank you all for your patience and your support.


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